Introduction – Prohibitions in the Year of Mourning

It’s important to know that the prohibitions of mourning for an entire year are in force only when the deceased is a parent. When mourning a father or mother, one is required to observe the laws of mourning detailed below for an entire year. For other relatives, the laws of mourning are observed for only 30 days.

Prohibition of Participation in Festive Meals during the Year of Mourning.

According to our sages and the Shulchan Aruch, “Regarding those in mourning, they may enter a place of festive meals after 30 days, but for parents, only after 12 months.”

This law means that a person in mourning for a parent may not go to a festive meal in another’s home for 12 months.

 
The laws on this matter are very detailed, and some authorities in some “adot*” do allow for participation in a festive meal in certain circumstances.

 Note – there are certain occasions in Judaism that are marked by “festive meals” – such as a wedding, engagement, bris, etc. Generally, a mourner for a parent does not participate in these for a year. 

If the mourner believes there are circumstances which justify his/her participation in a festive meal, it is best to seek advice from a halachic authority. 

*adot: During the long years of diaspora, Jews often lived in communities very far from each other. Consequently, Jews in Yemen, Spain, Germany, etc. 

sometimes followed different halachic traditions. Today, we refer to Jews who came from a certain geographic area as “adot”.

Music:

One does not listen to music during the year of mourning.
Restaurants
One may eat at a restaurant together with a small number of people as long as it is not a festive meal or celebratory party.

May one hold a barbeque?

Preparing food on a barbeque is not in itself a problem. However, as written above, the mourner is not to enter the home of a festive meal or to hold joyous festive meals. Thus, one may not hold a barbeque in which one invites friends and in essence has a party. Similarly, a barbeque together with several families is problematic, depending on the nature of the event.

Prohibition on new clothes

Ashkenazi custom is not to wear new clothes during the year of mourning, but if there is no choice, then the mourner should have someone else wear the new clothing for a few days before he/she may wear it/them. Note: This prohibition relates to outerwear. There are no prohibitions on simple, underclothing, such as undershirts, body shirts, etc.
According to Sephardic custom, the mourner may wear new clothes after the first 30 days of mourning.

Furniture and housewares:

Furniture and housewares may be purchased during the year of mourning.

Mentioning the name of the deceased parent during the year of mourning

When the mourner says the name of the deceased parent during the year of mourning, he/she will say after the name “Ha-rey-ni ka-pa-rat mish-ka-vo” for a father or “Ha-rey-ni ka-pa-rat mish-ka-vah” for a mother. This means, “I am an atonement for his/her rest.” When the year of mourning is over, one follows mention of the deceased parent with “Zich-ro-no l’bracha” for a father or “Zich-ro-nah l’bra-cha” for a mother. This means, “May his/her memory be blessed.”

How to calculate the 12 months of mourning.

When the burial did not take place on the day of the death, the custom is to continue the one year of mourning until 12 months after the burial. 

As for Yarzeit in the first year, there are different opinions and customs – whether it should be on the first anniversary of the death or on the first anniversary of the burial. 

Important Note

During the year of mourning, efforts are made to engage in doing good deeds for the ascension of the soul of the deceased, and endeavor to recite Kaddish three times a day.

 If one is unable to do so, it is a custom to pay to have someone fulfill this obligation for you.

 Similarly, it is highly recommended to prepare for the completion of the year of mourning by perpetuating the memory of your parent by dedicating a religious object to their memory. 

One might do this by participating in the purchase of a Torah scroll, or some other object used as part of worship in the synagogue.